My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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You wish you had this many chins.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
fourth time’s the charm
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.