My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Oops
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.