Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.