[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.