I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤