Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
You Might Also Like
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The symmetry is uncanny.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.