nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You Might Also Like
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*puts cutlery down*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Lucky old June.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this