The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word