Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings