hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*jazz hands*