If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Morning my dudes.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.