Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok