No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.