Taco Bell, Exit 22
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.