First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You Might Also Like
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it