I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I feel it
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
A game married people play.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.