Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Cool shirt 🙂
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.