Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny