friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?