I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too