My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo