Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.