I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
what’s more important?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u