[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?