an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Do not steal food from the science building!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When the stylist spins you back around
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math