I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man