I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Hotels are back
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
This is my emotional support knife.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier