Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.