Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work