A man of commitment.
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.