Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
this is the best interaction on twitter
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.