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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Are we there yet?…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.