I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!