[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
This kid is a star!
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me