I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
the composer
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting