It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me checking my bank balance online.
CUTE CAT‼︎
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again