Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
still the best tweet of the year by far
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better