10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
You Might Also Like
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My last name is Zilla.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help