me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree