Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Dolls on drugs
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
But I really needed water water water
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.