Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’d love this…lol
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
first you must answer his riddles
I love the honesty
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.