10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out