Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Left at a local drug store…
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL