[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
You Might Also Like
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.