Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!