The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
classic mixup
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.