If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I think about this a lot
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”