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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Very good news from my accountant
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.