My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*