Tastes like chicken.
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Worst bar ever.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no